Umi's Leviathan
by kotohonoumis
Summary: Honoka wakes up at 4 A.M to find Umi doing something quite strange. Honoumi. Joke fic. Rated T for brief instances of strong language and I don't want to risk being put in Fic Jail and eaten by the Rating Police. "You are going to get owned, Honoka."


**i wrote this at 3 am after getting an outrageous prompt (which i asked for) from a friend on twitter. i apologize to everyone for this in advance. the first fic i write and post on here in 2 or 3 years, and my first love live fic, and it's this shit.**

BANG.

Honoka awoke at 4:09 A.M to a loud, startling sound.

After coming to her senses, she realized that the sound must have been her front door being kicked off its hinges. And as heavy, strange footsteps began to ascend the stairs to her room, the severity of the situation finally clicked in Honoka's head.

 _Someone has broken into her home - and was coming right for her._

Instantly filled with panic, Honoka jumped out of her bed, and did the only thing she could think of - crawl under her bed, hold her breath, and hope she would not be seen by the intruder.

She didn't know what to expect - what did they want? Would they simply take a few of her things and be satisfied? Or were they there with more malicious intentions? Would they not rest until Honoka or her family was killed? Was she about to be kidnapped? She began to shake as the possibilities ran through her head, and tears fell as she prayed that she would make out out of this alive.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, the intruder entered her room.

Honoka expected some sort of masked, burly man with a weapon, but peeking out from behind the bedsheets, instead she saw... Umi, carrying a case of Mountain Dew Voltage and a colorful box. She stopped in the middle of the room, and began to stare at the wall - a chilling, blank expression on her face, and tired eyes.

"U-Umi-chan?" whimpered Honoka as she crawled out from her hiding place, clutching her chest to try and calm herself.

"Are... are you okay?"

Umi redirected her stare to Honoka. She didn't seem... entirely there? Honoka couldn't put her finger on it. Was she tired? She should be - it's 4 in the morning, she should be asleep. Did someone wake her up? Umi seemed angry, or determined, or a mix of both. It was like Honoka was being... challenged.

"Honoka." Umi said sternly, "It is time."

"Time for what?"

"Time for you to get fucking inked."

Umi dropped the colorful box she was holding, which Honoka was the able to identify as a Wii U console and Splatoon game bundle box. Somehow, with one hand, she managed to retrieve a can of Voltage and cracked it open. Umi began to chug the drink like she had been stranded in the desert for a week and was just given a tall, cool glass of fresh water.

"Sweet nectar of life, caffeinated Blood of Christ, I devote my life to thee." Umi whispered as she drank. "Help me, give me power to pwn the n00bs..."

Mountain Dew spilled everywhere as her lips moved to form her words, leaving the flow of liquid unattended. It soaked into the carpet and spattered against Umi's clothes, but she did not seem to notice or care.

"Sweet Squid... Holy Leviathan... God of the Sea... God of Me... I love you."

More spilling.

"I am a Squid. I am a kid."

Soon the can was empty. Umi smashed it against her head and powerfully threw it on the ground.

"Umi-chan?"

Umi did not answer. Instead, the black haired girl dropped to her knees, and began ripping apart the Wii U bundle box.

"You are going to get owned, Honoka."

Cardboard flew everywhere as the archer demolished the box like a wild animal tearing into a kill. She pulled out the Wii U console and its respective wires, and began hooking them up to a small TV in the corner of Honoka's room as she entered a trance like state.

"Get ready for the ultimate seabag."

Honoka, confused and concerned, tried to gently pull Umi away so she could calm her down and get to the bottom of this, but she would not budge. Honoka tried and tried, but no matter how much she pulled or pleaded, Umi simply continued to prepare the game system, completely unfazed.

It was not long until it was done. Splatoon's menu appeared on the screen and its upbeat theme song played softly through the speakers. Umi placed a controller in Honoka's hands and glared at her fiercely, as if she was giving a silent order. But the ginger was still confused. She still had no idea what was going on.

Swallowing the anxiety lump in her throat, Honoka decided to pry for answers once more.

"Umi-chan, what's this about? What are we doing?"

"Playing Splatoon." said Umi flatly.

"What is Splatoon?"

"The meaning of life.

"What are you-"

A piercing stare, as if to warn her not to finish that sentence... or else.

"Wh... what is it about?"

Honoka decided to try and humor Umi.

And in return, she was met with the most offended expression she had ever seen on her friend's face. More offended than when Kotori proposed bikini swimsuits as a theme for one of their Live wardrobes. More offended than the time Honoka told her that no, she was not making her manjuu at 6 in the morning when she woke up to use the bathroom and then could not get back to sleep no matter how much she tossed and turned. More offended than the time she missed a shot with her bow and one of her fellow archers laughed at her (whose bow she then smashed against the wall). You would think Honoka had just kicked a puppy, pissed on her shoes, and thrown grass and dirt she pulled from the earth into her mouth while shouting insults at her, with the face she was making.

Umi began to cry.

"How do you not know the Holy Tale of Squid?!" she sobbed. "I thought you were my friend! How could you!"

Honoka reached out to try and comfort her and take back.. whatever it was she had said that upset her, when Umi suddenly collapsed. The Holy Squid had taken her soul the supreme act of mercy, to save her from the unfathomably awful feelings she was about to get herself into. Actually, she just fell asleep because she had finally had a massive sugar/caffeine crash after the many cans of Mountain Dew she poured into her hell body. My writing kick is gone and I just want this over with.

Honoka cleaned up the mess after she made sure Umi hadn't just dropped dead on her floor after deranged shouting about holy sea creatures while drinking soda - something she usually hates- and near forcing her to play a video game at 4 am. How would she explain that? Then she placed Umi in her bed, tucking her in, and lied down next to her, giving her a sweet kiss on the cheek.

"Good night, Umi-chan. We'll figure all this out tomorrow."

They fell asleep together, cuddling to the sweet, romantic sound of "You're a squid you're a kid" on endless repeat and the theme of Booyah Base. Or whatever it's called. I don't play Splatoon. I don't even have a Wii U. I'm a Playstation player. This fanfic would be different if it was about Umi forcing Honoka to play Fallout. Or Skyrim. Umi and her Fuckhands McMike reincarnation would be hilarious. Maybe I'll write that as a sequel to this. i don't know

Anyway. The Fucking End.

i remember why i dont write now


End file.
